Tag Archives: editing

A Halloween Nightmare

[Note: This short story first appeared here in 2009; it was inspired by real events. Happy Halloween, everyone…]

There Is Only Room Here for Myself

He’d spotted me.

His dead shark eyes locked onto me, and in that split second, I knew: I was going to die.

I sprang to my—bare?—feet, running blindly through—through what? What was this building? A hospital? A parking garage? Too dark to see.

Chunks of plaster spit at my face as I rounded a corner; he’d just fired at me from behind. Terror exploded through me, slamming into my body. My bladder released; urine ran down my naked legs.

My wet feet slipped on the tiled floor. I went down hard as another shot roared over my head. I scrabbled toward the door to my left, skidding on my own piss.

I knew before I touched the knob: locked.

I struggled to my knees, to run to the next door—too late.

He was already there.

I couldn’t breathe. My legs were cold. Vomit curdled into my throat.

Please! Please don’t do this!

He raised the gun, stepping closer to where I knelt, shaking. The gun’s mouth seared my skin as he pressed it to my forehead.

I blinked, once.

Please.

He fired.

The world tilted—I was on the floor. It was dark. In the faint light from windows far above, I saw his heels move away from me down the hall. The man was leaving.

How could this be? How was I still alive? Had he missed?

Don’t move. You’re supposed to be dead. Don’t move.

I knew I should remain still, in case he returned, but a maddening curiosity seized hold of me.

Slowly, I began inching my fingers across my forehead, searching for the gaping edge of a wound I knew must be there, but could not, somehow, feel.

I probed.

Slowly.

Wetness.

He must have missed.

Sweat?

I touched my fingertip to my tongue.

Not sweat.

Blood.

I forced my fear aside and walked my fingers slowly up toward my hairline, searching for the hole.

My fingers touched only smoothness, my own skin, slick and cool. Terrified, I pressed on.

And then—

Bone.

Fragments, sticking to my fingertips. A horrifying absence of flesh.

Blood, inexorably pulsing.

I began to scream.

My eyes flew open.

Darkness suffocated me.

My heartbeat shook the bed beneath me—bed?

I lay utterly still, feeling the warmth of my body ebbing away with each frantic heartbeat.

I was frozen in place, waiting for the shark-eyed man to return, too terrified to move.

Surely he would return.

My legs were cold, so cold. I’d never felt such cold before.

I reached a furtive hand down to try to wrap my gown tighter around me. There was fabric under my hand, but thicker, softer—a blanket? My forehead itched; I was afraid to raise my fingers to it.

If I don’t touch it, it’s not real.

A menacing rumble sounded beside me in the dark. I froze again and held my breath, trying to identify the sound over the violent pounding of my own heart.

Sudden movement beside me—

My husband rolled over.

Sharp, painful relief, flooded through my body as it dawned on me at last where I was.

Bed.

My own bed.

Dreaming.

I’d been dreaming.

A nightmare.

I was alive.

Alive!

I cried my reprieve silently into my pillow, waiting for the terror to subside. It did, slowly, and the minutes crept by, silent but for my husband’s heavy breaths. My terror gradually began to fade and take on that particular haze characteristic of all dreams.

I jammed my back against my husband’s chest, burrowing into his arms and wrapping the blanket tightly around us both, grateful for his warmth.

Long minutes passed in the darkness around me; a sense of peace returned. I began to feel warm again, comfortable, drowsy.

I felt the tiny itch again on my forehead, and without thinking, I sleepily raised my fingertips to scratch at it.

I began to scream.

Wetness.

Blood.

Fragments.

The room tilted crazily around me once more.

And then, there were only the cold tiles beneath me, a hole blasted through my flesh and my bone, and the dim vision of the man’s heels, casually retreating down the hall.

And now for something really spooky…

I love Halloween. Maybe it’s because I watched too many horror movies when I was a kid, but I absolutely adore figuring out new ways to scare unsuspecting trick-or-treaters. (I know, that’s a little demented.) Our annual visit to the local Halloween store has become one of our favorite family traditions, and we spend a ridiculous amount of time there testing all of the latest animated ghouls, zombies, and skeletons to see which ones pass our this-will-make-someone-wet-their-pants test.

It’s weird that one of my favorite holidays should center so much around fear, because I don’t really like to be scared myself. There are definitely things that’ll do it: flying and spiders, for example, reduce me to an incoherent, blubbering puddle faster than you can say arachnophobia (or spell it). Haunted houses are pretty bad, too–those scare the daylights out of me, even the lame ones. The last one I entered when I was in my mid-twenties, and I wound up so hysterical that I had to be escorted out the secret back entrance by a very compassionate but very un-Taylor Lautner-like werewolf. Before he left me, he very helpfully found a paper bag to try to stop my hyperventilation and waited with me for my sister to come out and laugh herself silly at my abject terror.

Yep, fear’s a funny thing–unless you’re the one wetting your pants in the parking lot of a haunted house; then it’s funny and humiliating.

But seriously: In its milder forms, fear can provide a thrill. Do you like roller coasters? I don’t, too close to flying. But I hear some people do, and part of that thrill comes from the exhilarating shiver of fear coursing through you just before you plunge to your death–um, I mean, plunge to the end of the ride. Sorry, got carried away there.

Fear can also be a powerful motivator. Scared of speaking in public? Go and take a class. Afraid of dying young from heart disease? Exercise and maintain a healthy diet. Terrified of flying? Take some lessons. (Yeah, not in this lifetime, pal.)

In its more serious forms, however, fear not only doesn’t thrill or motivate, it prevents you from doing what you want to do. (To be clear, I do not want to fly.)

Publishing Widow Woman, for example, terrified me. There were many, many steps on that journey that involved overcoming serious fears, many times where it would have been easier, would have felt safer, just to give up. From the design, editing, and print vs. e-book decision, straight on through to the marketing and promotion, I’ve been scared every step of the way, right down to the tips of my fuzzy slippers. (And don’t get me started about reading reviews–terrifying.)

So how did I get past it?

The same way that everyone who’s ever chased a dream does: I asked myself what it was that really frightened about me about each step. The answer to that question was the same every time I asked it: I was afraid to fail.

Once I realized that, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. That’s all that’s standing in your way? Fear of failure? This you can manage. And once I understood that was my true fear, the fear began to lessen.

Why? Because everyone fails, at least once in their lives! Some fail small, some fail on a spectacular scale. Some failures are catastrophic, others are merely embarrassing. But if you let that fear keep you from trying, then that is the greatest failure of allbecause for the rest of your life, you’ll be haunted by the most terrible ghosts, the ghosts of all that might have been, all that you might have achieved, but didn’t because you were afraid. That’s pretty damned scary.

So often, when we examine our fears more closely, a strange thing happens: They shrink, and we wonder that we were ever so scared of something so small. Suddenly, you realize you have all the courage you ever needed.

Unless you’re talking about a haunted house–I’ve got nothin’ there except for an urgent need for Depends and a cackling sister. For everything else, I’ve got a freaky scary zombie waiting for you in the yard. And I’m not going to tell you where…

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Road Trip, Day 37, Give Or Take

Okay, last week was a little bit of a downer, but as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, sometimes you’ve just gotta put on your big-girl panties and get on with it, even if they chafe a little bit.

So, where am I, now that I’ve gotten rid of the most recent super-wedgie? Well, I’m proceeding apace: I have decided to allow an expert to finish this final part of the task for me.

The thing is, we all have gifts, things at which we just naturally excel. We also all have things at which we just naturally don’t. I know, there’s all that inspirational writing out there (some of which I’ve actually written myself) about never, never, never give up, etc. But if I’ve learned anything from this self-publishing process (and in life in general), it’s that in some areas of life, you simply have to rely on an expert. Examples of expert-required situations: 1) Anything electrical or plumbing-related; 2) Any type of surgery; 3) Anything that is just too important to settle for crap results–i.e., taxes, wedding day makeup or hair, etc. For proof of my personal maxim, all I need to do is look at a couple of old pictures:

This is me, at around 5 weeks. Cute, huh? Except for the protruding forehead. Lots of babies are born with less-than-perfectly round noggins, but in my case, it was from a rare defect, craniosynostosis. My parents had to make a difficult decision, because not only was the condition rare, but in 1969, the surgery to correct it was still somewhat experimental. Complicating matters, the neurosurgeon told my mother that if he didn’t operate by 6 weeks, it would be too late–brain damage would already have begun.

Yep. That’s right. They called in an expert. I’m glad they did. It must have been terrifying for them, but this is just one of those situations where you need an expert.

Now, I’m not saying that my publishing Widow Woman is remotely on a par with craniosynostosis (okay, I am. But I’m allowed, since I own them both). What I’m saying is that I’m glad that in 1969, there was a neurosurgeon named Dr. Manno who was an expert, and that that’s the man my parents trusted to save me.

I think, all things considered, that today most folks would consider my surgery to have been a resounding success, and that whatever fears or costs bringing in that expert entailed, the results were worth it. The only evidence today of that surgery is a large scar, and that’s pretty well hidden. Of course, I do struggle with some things–maps, math, chess, technology–but they tend to be things that are common struggles for many people. We’ll never know if the things I struggle with come from brain damage already occurring by the time of my surgery or if I just suck at math, but I do have strategies to deal with my deficiencies, as we all should. When I have to deal with those areas, I look for aids (Google maps, thank you); work harder (remember my GRE travails?); defer or avoid (chess and football diagrams fall into this category) or–you guessed it: I call in an expert.

There. Now you get where I was heading with this. We all have weaknesses, and yes, some of those things you can fight and conquer, but others? Well, that’s when you find someone else who has the strength you lack in that area. I believe, in my heart, that that is why we have all been made so different–it forces us to work together, to complement each other. I would never perform surgery or try to teach math–it’s simply not my strength. But I also know that there are many people who would never try to write. “How do you do that?” they ask me. I don’t know–how do you solve an equation or perform the Queen’s Gambit (Google tells me that’s a classic chess opening)? I only know that I know where my strengths lie and where they don’t, and I’m happy that there are other folks out there who can fill in those gaps for me.

Road Trip, Day I-Don’t-Have-Time-To Count

What’s that old saying, “Two steps forward, one step back?” Well, that’s my route today.

Step Forward: Finished the formatting (first pass, as it turns out–see Step Back below) this morning! Yay, me!

Step Back: Did spell-check of whole document and was aggravated to find several problems. Really, Julia? What the hell is “fotlooseeeeee?” Think I must’ve nodded off and hit the keyboard. Grr. But…

Step Forward: Inserted ISBN number (after a brief clarification call to their Help Desk–surprisingly helpful!) Now I’m official!

Step Forward: Converted file for Web-htm (yay!) and worked my way through Kindle’s KDP publishing steps, including description, cover image (beautiful!), contributors (thanks, Connie) and so forth, right up to uploading my book and downloading the Preview Your Book feature! Yay! Hang on…

Um…wtf?

Table of contents alignment did not convert properly, nor did my margins!

Giant. Freaking. Step. Backward.

Sigh.

Will have to sit down now, try to figure out what happened in my original doc, resave for Web, etc., etc., etc. Tomorrow, since I’m out of time for today.

But hey, at least I got to see what it would look like before it went live, which was awesome, and which means I’m getting closer.

Step Forward.

Step Back.

Step Forward.

Step Back.

Now, everybody–cha cha cha!

Stay tuned, it’s getting closer!

 

Road Trip, Day Six

Sorry about the lack of updates–weekends aren’t the best time for me to make any headway, so I’m spending some time playing catch-up now.

Day 6 finds me closing in on the formatting of Widow Woman, Chapter 17 . I would’ve been farther along, but upon closer inspection of the very earliest chapters I wrote, I discovered that I had been operating with what Smashwords’ style guide calls a “common bad habit of all authors.” Er…I used my space bar in the early chapters to indent, rather than setting up a paragraph style. Yeah, yeah, I can hear you all groaning, but Smashwords says it’s common, so cut me some slack. I have learned my lesson (after seeing dots floating in front of my eyes all weekend, it was inevitable.) I feel like a writers’ Bart Simpson: “I will not use my space bar to indent. I will not use my space bar to indent. I will not use my space bar to indent.”

At any rate, that set me back a bit of time to go back and address all of that. But the important thing is that it’s all cleaned up now and I’m back to chugging along at a good pace. If I keep this up, I might just be finished within the week. Finished. Was there ever a more satisfying word?

Also received some preliminary cover art from my designer–chose my favorite of 3 renditions, asked for a slight hue adjustment, and am so excited at how it has turned out. I haven’t signed off on it yet, however. I’m pretty cautious when it comes to weighty decisions, and I think the cover art falls precisely into that category, so while I’m relatively certain it’s a go, I’m not ready to push the button just yet. Mostly, I think it’s just that I want to look at the cover design some more, to roll it around in my mind, ponder it…savor it.

Keeping the countdown rolling.