Back in my starving college student days, I worked several jobs to try to stay afloat, one of which was to sell cutlery. Wait, let me correct that: I attempted to sell cutlery. I wasn’t very good at it. It wasn’t that the knives weren’t great—they were! I just wasn’t a very good salesman.

I was blessed to have some kind and compassionate family members and friends who tolerated my sales presentations—remember how cool it was seeing me cut a penny in half with those kitchen shears? *crickets chirping*

Okay, maybe I was the only one who thought that was cool.

Anyway, times have changed. I no longer sell knives, which is a good thing; now I’m selling books. My book, Widow Woman, to be specific.

Like most writers, I’m uncomfortable with the selling part of things. Just for the next few days, until the launch is over, I wish I weren’t so uncomfortable with it. I watch other authors out there with their constant barrages of emails, tweets, giveaways, FB posts—and I’m doing those things, too—but it just feels…icky.

I know, necessary evil and all. Maybe that’s the problem: is there a component of evil to sales that I just don’t possess? Do I need to be a little less scrupulous and just SELL, SELL, SELL!!!

If I were a ninja, it’d be so much easier.

First, I’d get to wear a mask, which is always cool.

Second, I could strike with my marketing weapons (geez, I wish I had some!) in the dead of night, silent and stealthy—you’d never even know you’d been pitched!

You, unsuspecting reader, would simply wake up in the morning with an unaccountable and burning desire to purchase Widow Woman from Amazon. You’d open up your Twitter account and follow me, then retweet my last 10 tweets, even the ones about my dog, to every one of your followers. You’d like the Widow Woman Facebook page, even if you’re not one of those creepy men I had to delete last week who were looking for vulnerable female companionship. You’d visit www.authorgraph.com to request my digital autograph so many times I’d have to block you as a stalker. You’d copy the QR code from my sell sheet,” accidentally” save it as “Kids’ 2012 Xmas Pictures,” and send it to everyone in your contacts list. You’d work the words “Julia Tagliere,” “Widow Woman,” and “Widow Woman book trailer” into your blog post and have no idea how they got there, especially since this week, your post was about the proper method for brining a turkey. Deteriorating rapidly, you’d follow me on Pinterest, then post amusing images of yourself reading Widow Woman in bizarre locations all over the world. Down to the last bat in your belfry, you’d download the FREE Kindle app to your phone, your PC, your Mac, your iPad, and your iPod simultaneously, go crazy trying to sync your read-to page on all your devices, and have to be transported in a straitjacket to a residential facility for internet addiction!

Whew!

Guess it’s a good thing I’m not a ninja.

Happy Launch Day tomorrow, and Happy I Love to Write Day, too!